I've been feeling really down lately. Actually, I haven't felt quite right since having Buderoo. I even talked to my doctor about postpartum depression but he chalked it up to being back to work when Budderoo was only 2.5months old and then moving to a new house when he was 5 months....there was a lot of stress in those early months. And I did seem to feel better once we were all settled in our new home...but still not quite right.
Tonight, DH and I had quite a talk. I finally expressed the things that have been bothering me. I have been feeling like I've been walking around in a haze, not knowing who "I" am anymore. Right now, it feels like I am HoneyPie and Budderoo's mom and DH's wife...but that's it...where did Hollie go? I really am not sure - she's been gone for too long.
I feel like I've lost sight of myself, like I am drowning in motherhood. I never felt this way after HoneyPie was born but I think the addition of a second child really changes things. "The time and attention it takes to go from mothering one child to mothering two doesn't just double, it quadruples".
In no way do I resent my role as a mother...this is all I have ever wanted...to be a mommy...and to be able to stay at home with them. I just feel like I am losing my own identity as I tend to the needs of everyone else. And I wonder sometimes, if working from home is adding to my issues. It was my choice to stay home and it was the best one for us and the kids...but I miss the adult interaction and getting out of the house during the day. I think even having an outside of the house job would be some "ME" time. But then at the same time, I am not ready to put my babies in daycare.
Learning to take time for me has been very hard to do. I think that I need to find something to do that makes me happy, but while thinking of that something...I come up with nothing...I don't even know what I'm interested in anymore. I like scrapbooking, but finding time to do a page or two is just not happening lately. It's hard to balance so many roles and still find time for me. But I think, once I do, I'll be happier and an even better mom - wife - person than I am now.
So, starting today, I am going to work on ME. Perhaps find a hobby that I could do outside of the house once a week, or even just get out for a walk by myself...
and as my mom tells me...
This too shall pass.